Surviving Love (Surviving #2) Read online

  “Keep me up to date.”

  “I promise. Love you, Lou-Lou.”

  “Love you too, Dad.” I ended the call, then placed my phone in my pocket and looked up at the sky, contemplating the best course of action. It felt wrong not to be at the hospital, but Dad seemed so emphatic I take care of Johan that I’d feel I was betraying his trust if I didn’t do as he asked. I let out a long breath and turned to face the man rocking on the grassy verge.

  “Johan, Dad said you can take a shower at their house,” I said, but received absolutely no reaction. “Johan?” I called softly but again received no response. “Johan, that was my dad on the phone. Eve’s not...gone. They need...” I tilted my head when my words made no difference to his body language. “Johan, are you listening to me?” I moved toward him. He was sitting with his head tucked into his knees, rocking back and forth. He was pressing with the balls of his feet and manically rocking against the wall behind him. I crouched down in front of him.

  “Johan?” No response. “G.I. Johan, I need you to get up.” I snapped, seeing if my usual bitchy attitude would get a response and I knew the nickname pissed him off. Nothing.

  I knelt on the floor and crawled toward him slowly. When I got nearer, I realised he was muttering something over and over again.

  “Don’t let them in, they can’t hurt you if you don’t let them in.” He muttered over and over again. His voice strained with emotion. There was a desperate energy around him.

  I lifted my hand and gently placed it on his knee. He immediately stopped rocking and scurried away from me as if frightened by my touch.

  “Johan, its Louise. I...” I had no clue what to say. He seemed completely out of it, like he was drunk or worse...high. “I’m going to take you to Dad’s house, get you cleaned up, and then we can go see Eve. What do you reckon?”

  “Don’t let them in.”

  “Don’t let who in?”

  “Don’t let them in.”

  I moved toward him slowly so my shoulder was next to his knees. I gently placed my hand on his arm and received the same reaction as before. But I didn’t remove my hand this time; I left it where it was. I used my other hand and curled my finger under his chin to lift his head away from his knees. I cupped his face in both my hands and looked straight into his eyes. Usually his strikingly blue eyes captivated me, but all I saw staring back at me were the frightened empty eyes of a haunted man. It scared me to see how desolate he looked. If I wasn’t sure before, looking into his eyes made me certain of the feelings Johan had for my sister; he was broken because of what had happened to her. I always suspected he was in love with her, now I knew. It hurt like hell to finally know, because if there was ever a man designed to make my own heart beat wildly it was this annoying, infuriatingly gorgeous man.

  “Listen, sweetie, I’m taking you to my parents’ house, where you’re going to have a shower, get out of these dirty clothes, and then we are going to go see Eve. Okay?” I spoke softly as if talking to a child and I hoped he would come back with some kind of witty retort to show me he was okay.

  I ran my fingers through his hair in a similar way to how I soothed my little sister Ellie. He stared at me, I wasn’t sure if he heard or even saw me, it was the most surreal experience of my life. Then he startled me by lifting his hand and rubbing his thumb across my bottom lip.

  “I can’t let you in,” he whispered. “I promised never to let you in.”

  I didn’t know what he was talking about. I stared at him as he rubbed his thumb back and forth over my bottom lip. It felt incredibly intimate, and I should have been uncomfortable, but I remained frozen, hypnotised by the rhythmic movement of his thumb.

  “Why?” I asked; it was the only coherent thought I could manage. He remained silent, watching his thumb for what felt like hours before he sucked in a breath and answered.

  “Because you’ll leave me. This is a warning.”

  The utter devastation on his face broke my heart and tears involuntarily pooled in my eyes. My hand was still in his hair, so I brought it down and stroked my thumb along his jaw, then pulled my hand away to hold the wrist of his hand that was touching me.

  “I promise I won’t.” I turned his hand over and kissed his palm. He closed his eyes and let out a shuddering breath, the first non-robotic action he’d made since I found him. “Johan, let me take care of you. Okay?”

  He opened his eyes and offered me a weak smile. “Okay.”

  I stood up and held my hand out for him; he ignored it and rose without any help. He went to step around me toward my car but I stopped him by putting my arms around his waist and hugging him tightly. I don’t know if it was more to comfort him, or if I needed the contact. He stood stiffly with his hands by his sides. For a second, I thought he wasn’t going to hug me back but then his arms came around my shoulders and he hugged the life out of me. He squeezed me so tightly I could hardly breathe. I pulled away from him and lifted my face to look up at him.

  “You ready to go?” I asked quietly.

  He turned to look at the house surrounded by the police and nodded. He swallowed and looked back at me. “Yeah, let’s go.”

  The short car journey to mum and dad’s house seemed to take forever. I didn’t know what to say and I didn’t get the impression Johan would appreciate mindless small talk. He sat staring out of the window clearly in his own world.

  The silence was disrupted by my phone alerting me to a text message. “Johan, can you check that for me, just in case it’s my parents with news about Eve?”

  Slowly, almost as if he was trudging through sludge, he turned his head to look at me. Then he looked down toward the centre console where my phone was. He stared at it a moment before reaching for it. It was eerie how slowly he moved and responded to such a simple request, as if the life had washed out of him, as though Johan had disappeared and simply left his body in place.

  He woke the screen and the only way I could tell he was reading it was by the movement of his eyes and his nostrils flaring as he read the lines. He typed something out, closed the screen and put my phone back. He turned his head to stare out the window again.

  I waited for him to tell me what it said but he didn’t say a word. I tightened my fists around the steering wheel, praying for patience.

  “Well?” I asked, leaning forward slightly to look at him.

  “Well what?” he asked, his voice tight.

  “What did it say? Was it about Eve?”

  He shrugged his shoulders. “No.”

  I felt my irritation bubbling to the surface. “Johan, for God’s sake, what did the bloody message say?”

  He let out a loud sigh and turned to face me. Finally his eyes held some emotion, it may have been irritation...well, I assume it was irritation, but at least his eyes didn’t appear hollow anymore.

  “It was Darren, probably a message meant for your eyes only, but...”

  My cheeks heated. I cleared my throat and reached for my phone to read the text myself, but Johan’s large hand covered mine.

  “It’s enough Eve being in hospital without you joining her. Stop using your phone while driving, Louise.” He spoke in a tone I had never heard him use, stern and utterly sexy. Jesus, these pregnancy hormones were turning me into a nymphomaniac.

  He moved my hand aside and lifted my phone, woke it, and read the message aloud. “Babe...” he made a disgusted noise, “I have the night off and I’ve been thinking about you and me in my bed tonight. You up for it?” He snorted again and my cheeks nearly exploded with embarrassment. “Clearly he’s up for it,” Johan added. He closed my phone but instead of putting it back in the console he held onto it.

  I swallowed and willed my cheeks to lose their redness.

  “You replied,” I choked out. I hated I felt so flustered, usually I had such a good retort for him.

  “Hmm?” he mumbled.

  “You little...” I took a deep breath and swallowed my irritation. “You typed a message back to him. What. Did
. You. Say?” I seethed through gritted teeth.

  “Fuck off.”

  “What?” I gasped then composed myself. “Listen, you annoying prick, it’s my frigging phone, what did you say?” I snapped, gripping the steering wheel; it took everything in me not to stop the car and slap him stupid.

  “That’s what I replied. ’Fuck off’.”

  “What?”

  “Lou.” He let out a frustrated breath. “I replied to his text with ‘Fuck off’.”

  “You...oh my God, you didn’t?” We both looked down at my phone. As if we willed a response, it pinged another text. “Shit, you did.”

  He nodded.

  “Why would you do that?”

  “Because he’s a dick and I want you to stay with me tonight. Now keep your eyes on the road.” His words echoed around the car and smacked me in the face. Johan wanted me, he needed me with him tonight.

  “I...Johan, I don’t know what to say to that.”

  He shrugged his shoulders and stared out the window. “Don’t say anything, just be with me, don’t leave me okay?” He let out a loud sigh. “I kind of need you close to me right now. I know I annoy the shit out of you, and most of the time you hate me, but I—”

  I glanced across at him as he bowed his head. His eyes were screwed tightly shut.

  “I don’t hate you,” I whispered, swallowing the lump forming in my throat. Was I really that horrible to him? “I promise to stay with you, I won’t leave you. That is unless I need to go to the hospital to see Eve, but even then you can come if you like?” I glanced across at him again. He lifted his head and his red-rimmed eyes met mine. The hollow despair staring back at me took my breath away. “Johan –”

  “Why would she want to see me? Your parents must hate me, Eve must hate me.” His voice trembled as he spoke, breaking my heart. I reached across to place my hand on his knee, but he has longer legs than I thought so my hand landed mid-thigh. He lifted his gaze to mine. Because I was driving I had the perfect excuse to look away, hiding the blush creeping into my cheeks.

  “Johan.” I paused and swallowed when I felt his hand covering mine. It was a slow, gentle touch, one that made me shiver. “Johan, honestly my parents are indebted to you. We all are. Without you—” I mulled over what Dad had said, knowing he was right. “We are so grateful you came into our lives.”

  He turned his head to look at me and I chanced a quick glance at him. He removed his hand from mine and with the back of his little finger pushed my hand off of his leg.

  “No one is ever grateful for me being in their lives, they live to regret it if anything.” He turned to look out of the window. “Nothing good ever comes from knowing me.” His voice was so empty of emotion I had to look to see if it was really him speaking. The usual vibrant and witty Johan had disappeared and a desperately lonely man was in his place.

  “What do you mean?” I let out a sigh of relief as I turned down Mum and Dad’s street.

  Johan simply shook his head and stared out the window again. A prickling sensation crawled up my spine, raising the hairs on the back of my neck. It occurred to me I was alone with a complete stranger, because the man beside me wasn’t the Johan I knew.

  ***

  I poured him a double if not triple measure of whisky and handed him the glass. At first he only stared into the liquid as if transfixed by it.

  “Johan, drink it fast, it will help with the shock.” I had no frigging clue why I said that; it was more than likely the worst thing for him right now. But he lifted the glass to his lips and in two swallows it was empty. He grimaced and I saw he was fighting back a cough but he held his own. I took hold of his hand and pulled him in the direction of the bathroom. He followed without protest. At the open bathroom door, I held my hand out to beckon him forward. Johan stood at the threshold of the room staring forward blankly.

  “I’ll go get you some clean towels. You can use Dad’s shower stuff, it’s all in there.” I hoped my words would spur him on, but he just stared at me. I curled my hand around his bicep, which was surprisingly firm, before I tugged him into the bathroom. Turning the faucet on, I held my hand under the water until it warmed up. “Do you like it hot?”

  No answer, more staring.

  “Johan?”

  I saw no emotion in his gaze, no recognition or life looking back at me, and in that moment I was absolutely terrified Johan was lost. My heart clenched as I watched the confusion dance across his handsome face.

  I stepped toward him and cupped his cold, bristly cheek. “Sweetheart, you need to get a shower.”

  He blinked once, and ever so slowly nodded his head. He moved his hands to the belt on his trousers and started undoing it.

  “Oh...erm...okay...well, yeah. I...er...towels. I’ll get your towels,” I stammered like a bloody idiot. I stepped around him and walked out of the bathroom. As I closed the door I heard his trousers and belt hit the floor with a clatter.

  I grabbed the towels out of the airing cupboard and put them on the floor outside the bathroom. “Your towels are out here.”

  No answer, but I could hear the water running so maybe he couldn’t hear me. I walked into the kitchen and sat at the table. I hated how quiet the house was. I was numb; I felt like I should be crying, panicking, stressing out, and not particularly in that order, but as I stared at the scratched wood of the dining table I realized I was empty. I couldn’t believe my sister was in the hospital because of Elliott. When Johan had pulled me aside one night and explained Elliott had spent years abusing and raping her, I wanted to vomit. And then I felt a rage build inside me and all I wanted to do was chop Elliott’s bollocks off with a blunt knife. But worse than that I felt guilt, guilt for never seeing it, for never recognising the pain my sister lived through, and part of me resented Johan for knowing about it.

  Elliott and Dominic have been our closest friends our entire lives. I have always seen the boys as cousins, because my dad is their uncle. Eve loved Dominic; looking back now, it was a shock to me that she’d begun a relationship with Elliott. Eve and I have the same mother, but her dad walked out on her when she was born. My dad, Alan, married her mum when she was only a few years old. And years later they adopted Ellie, our gorgeous little sister. We may be fractured genetically, but our family is as strong as any I know.

  An hour or so later I was still at the table, and Johan was still in the shower, when I heard a car pull up outside. I ran to the front door hoping it was either Mum or Dad with news about Eve. But when I opened the door it was Jill, Elliot and Dominic’s mum. A wave of anger flooded me; I knew she wasn’t the one who put Eve in hospital, but it was her son.

  I stomped down the steps and headed toward her car. She lifted her head and spotted me. Her expression crumbled and she covered her face with her hands. From the jerky movements of her shoulders I could see she was sobbing. As she should be, she’d raised a fucking monster. I stood on our side of the fence, level with her car door, and waited. My parents had moved next door to Jill not long after they were married; I never would’ve guessed such horror would come between our two families, that my cousin would do such a thing.

  She finally got out of the car, her hands shaking violently as she closed the door. She refused to look at me, her face was pale and her eyes puffy and swollen.

  “I hope he rots in hell for what he’s done,” I snap. “He—”

  “He’s dead,” she said, shutting me up. “A little...they pronounced my son...dead...” She sobbed and wiped at her eyes with trembling fingers. “I’m sorry for what he’s done. But right now, Lou, I need to process that...I’ve just identified my son’s body, and the last time I got to see him was on a morgue table after he’d tried killing his girlfriend. I don’t have a soul to turn to because he—” She covered her mouth as another cry echoed around us. “I'm sorry.” She walked towards her house leaving me flabbergasted by the fence.

  “Well bugger me,” I whispered to thin air. I hadn’t thought through my anger. Tears sprang to my
eyes when I thought of her alone in her house mourning the loss of her boy. He was a bastard and I hate him with all I have, but I don’t hate Jill and no parent should be in her position right now. I stared at her closed door for a while before realising I looked like a garden gnome stalking the neighbours.

  Back inside, I looked at the clock and realised Johan was still in the shower. “This is ridiculous, no one takes two hours in the shower.” I walked down the hall towards the bathroom and knocked on the door. When I received no answer I knocked again and called out his name. Nothing.

  A sense of foreboding hit me, an ominous shiver slid down my spine. The tiny hairs at the nape of my neck stood at attention. I knocked louder and tried the door. It was still unlocked. I grabbed the towels and held them to my chest.

  “Johan, I have your towels, is everything okay? It’s just you’ve been—” I stopped dead in my tracks. “Johan?” I gasped when I saw him curled in a ball at the foot of the shower shivering. I could feel the cold blast coming from the icy water. His teeth were chattering so loudly I could hear it over the spray. His white shirt clung to his body and his black boxers moulded around his thighs like a second skin.

  “Johan?” I called softly, stepping towards the shower. I opened the screen door, then turned the knob to the hot setting, trying to warm him up. As steam began filling the bathroom and hot water hit his trembling shoulders, he looked up with a panicked expression on his face.

  “No, turn it off, they ’ll hear the heater. They’ll know.” His voice sounded odd, almost childlike and his accent was thick.

  “Who will know? I’m here, I—”

  “They can’t find us. If we use the hot water they’ll know.” His whispers turned loud as he looked around the room in total panic.

  I climbed into the shower and sat beside him. It felt a little stupid sitting on the floor of the shower with him but I didn’t know what else to do.